Saturday, August 25, 2007

A Day (almost) With My Hijab



I've been Muslim for almost two years now, it will be two years as of September 15Th. I've worn my hijab a few times before, but I took it off, I made no excuses, I knew my obligation. My goal is to stop being a part time hijabi, and I have given myself a September 15Th deadline.

Today I had to go renew my BC ID, for those of you who are not familiar with this, it's a provincial picture ID card. I wore my hijab, I had to have something that showed I'm a Muslim. I wore a simple black scarf made of cotton, nothing special. It was early, about ten in the morning, so the line wasn't really long. I approached the clerk and handed her my old ID card, she had some trouble, she wasn't sure it was me. Then the question came: " Are you wearing that for religious reasons?" Oh boy, I hate these questions, I dread such ignorant questions. A bubbly "yes" I replied. The photo was taken and it was over phew, the little things seem so difficult when you lack confidence in yourself as a Muslim.

My mom, my husband and I sat down for coffee. Still wearing my hijab, I was playing with the small tassels at the end. I do that for comfort I think, the mall was getting busy and I didn't want someone I barely know to ask me questions about what I wore on my head. My nerves got to me, the devils whispers were loud. I went to the bathroom, hoping to be discreet, and turned my hijab into a scarf and wrapped it around my neck. I felt guilty, but I didn't feel strong enough to wear my hijab. Oh God give me strength where I am weak ameen. Errands in and around the mall took only about an hour. We all walked outside to the skytrain, it was a cold, cloudy summer day. I took my scarf and wrapped it around my head, my hijab was back on I felt a bit of relief. We all got on the skytrain, my mom got off first, while my husband and I continued to another mall that had Canada's only H&M clothing store. It just opened yesterday, I knew it was going to be busy, but there wasn't much else to do on a day when the weather makes you just want to sleep all day. We got off the skytrain seven stops later and transferred to an "express" bus. The bus ride was bumpy, and this guy a few rows in front of my husband and I wouldn't stop starring at us. I don't know if this guy was trying to be rude or just trying to figure out why this pasty white girl was dressed like a Muslim. My husband just stared intensely back at him and mumbled obscenities, I eventually did the same.
We arrived at the mall with empty stomachs, searching and searching we found the food!! So many choices we decided to walk around the circuit and see what was offered. In the corner of my eyes I saw another hijabi, I looked at her as she looked at me, waiting for a reaction, any reaction, but a salaam was what I really wanted. There was no reaction just looking, I turned my head away, I was too hungry to give it a second thought. With full bellies we headed over to the much anticipated H&M store. Walking through the mall I felt eyes on me to the right, no I'm just being silly no one's looking at me. Wrong! The eyes I felt on me was another Muslim woman again starring at me, I had enough of it, I turned my head but still felt someone looking at me. I looked back at her still looking at me, I turned away again and thought how sad. Sad because I lack the confidence to say salam to my fellow Muslims, and sad because other Muslims don't acknowledge me as a Muslim. On a brighter note however, I did feel more at ease, more "Muslim" wearing my hijab. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to wear it tomorrow, but inshAllah with each passing day I''l gain more knowledge, more confidence and more strength to fulfill my Islamic obligation.

10 comments:

otowi said...

They acknowledge you as Muslim, that is why they are looking at you - to see another Muslim is something they often long for. If they didn't offer greetings, they may have been unsure about doing it in presence of your husband, or just waiting for you to do it, not wanting to bother you, etc.

When I first put on hijab, I felt like you, that everyone was looking. But people in BC see people in hijab all the time, including white women. I learned gradually they weren't looking nearly as much as I thought and most of them could care less. If you act confident in hijab, you'll get better reactions, too.

If they see you taking it on and off, it confuses them, and they think you are nervous and self-conscious about something, it makes them feel nervous about you.

Nasr said...

Perhaps the anxiety of the day had made you appear less than friendly to others which could explain the man on the bus and the other hijabi.

And I'm sure that mumbling obscenities at that man on the bus didn't make him think much higher of you.

I don't know much about you, but do you know any other hijabis? Being in public with them would probably be better than being with your husband as you would feel less attention being brought upon you specifically and you'd have others who could 'shelter' you from the possible stares.

Good luck.

Jana's Journeys said...

Salam
No I don't know any other hijabis, my husband is my only support here, I have some friends online that support me but it's different when there not here literally.
Thank you for you comment

Ahmad Abdollahzadeh said...

Salaams Dear Sister,

Welcome to Islam! I hope that you will keep your steadfastness in the way of Allah (swt). I will be happy if you visit my blog on which I put some posts in English.
www.pigeonofharam.parsiblog.com

Ahmad from Iran

Nasr said...

Anything happening lately with regard to wearing hijab in public?

Jana's Journeys said...

hmmmm no not yet, :(. I haven't worn my hijab (traditionally) since then. I still am working on that.

Iman Noor said...

As sallamu alaikum sister.I know exactly what you are going through. As you have read and commented on my hijab blog, (thank you for your kind words by the way) I also went through the same thing. I never went through a stage of putting it on and taking it off though. The first time I did it it stayed. It sounds like you are a very good muslim and you are taking the right steps,alhumdulilah. I find it wonderful that you have it in your heart(and thats what matters the most) to take these hard steps. May Allah (swt) make these times easy for you.

May you have a safe and wonderful trip to Syria, and a blessed Ramadan.

Amy said...

AA Sister!

I had a few "practice" days myself before I started wearing it. I still get people looking at me, but I don't notice it anymore. Like you I'm pretty pale so maybe folks aren't used to seeing fair skin under a hijab. Sometimes when I go out with friends, they're like "did you see so-and-so watching you?" and really, I didn't. Even in NY, the guy I was with said people were looking at me but I didn't notice. When I do notice I try and smile. If you're afraid to say salaams to a sister you see, try a smile. May Allah make it easy for you.

Bridgette said...

Oh goodness :S I am going through the exact same thing, but I'm 18 years old and so, being white, fairly young, and well known in the town because of a family business- its causing me to get really scared! (Well maybe scared is the wrong word but you know what i mean) I've worn it outside to Walmart once XD haha. Umm, and I think to dinner (the whole dinner, it was hard to swallow food with people lookng at me) with my cousin. It's a really strange feeling and I hope we both muster strength to wear full hibjab without fear. May Allah make us strong so we can overcome this almost selfish lack of self-confidence in our identities Insahllah!

Peace be with you

Jana's Journeys said...

Salam Bridgette!
Thanks for your comment. MashAllah it's really nice to hear you have your cousin as your support, but honestly I wear my hijab now and I still get stares, it's like A muslim can't be really white or go out to eat sushi (my husband and I are addicted :P). You've already taken the right steps and it's something you want so inshAllah in time you'll gain the confidence you need to wear it proudly.
Take care
ma salama