Alhamdulillah Ramadan is almost here. I'm not as excited as I was last year, I mean I am excited, but not as much. I want to be in Syria right now, I've said goodbye to my friends ( whom I will miss so so so much ) , I've been to all my appointments and I've taken care of our apartment. I just don't want to be here anymore, it's hard being around my past when I have changed so much. This sounds bad but I don't want to go to the mosque for Ramadan, where I live. I've never been accepted at the mosque and I don't want to be judged as only a "Ramadan Muslim". I've thought about going to another mosque, but the thought of being ignored or possibly judged by other Muslims makes my stomach turn. I am not strong in the Deen, I can take critism from non-Muslims, but definately not from Muslims. I'm sensitive and the slightest thing can hinder my progress, this is one of the things I am working on. InshAllah when I go to Syria no one will know me or my past (it's not really bad, just different). I will have a new start. People judge no matter what, I know that, I have to accept it. Being surrounded by a different environment, different people and my husband's family will inshAllah give me a different outlook and inshAllah will give me the support I oh so need right now.
4 comments:
I guess I can sort of remember when I first converted looking to other muslims and wanting to fit in, be around them, etc.
But I haven't felt that way in years. I don't live near a mosque and so I pretty much never go to one and just do everything on my own, and that is the norm for me. Ultimately things are between us and God and going to the mosque is only useful if it brings us closer to God spiritually or enables us to help others even with a smile, or encourage others or ourselves. If it actually works against that, we either need to not go, or figure out if there is something we can do to change it.
I learned much after I converted that I had such a hard time at the mosque in part because I was very shy and not outgoing and waited for people to come to me, etc., and most just didn't. I also was hypersensitive to how they behaved and treated me because I expected more from them than from non-Muslims. But if I relaxed my expectations to more like a non-Muslim gathering, things weren't as bad, usually, as I often had felt. I had to change my mindset of going to the mosque to receive something to one of going to give something, if I'm going to go.
I also had to remind myself that ultimately I don't care what anyone thinks, except Allah swt.
But personally, things like the month of Ramadhan have been more spiritually beneficial to do the prayers, dua, etc,. at home alone where I could concentrate - my own "itikaf" so to speak.
If I can help, let me know - feel free to e-mail me, etc.
P.S. I don't know that things would be different in Syria - in some ways may be worse in a Muslim country, but we'll see.
رمضان مبارك يا جانا واتوي وجميعاً.
I guess I can understand how you feel. As a new convert, I too don't go to masjid, for many reasons (one is that it's too far away and I am without a car or a ride). But I also fear the possible questions and judging that could come my way and as a pretty shy person, I wouldn't handle it that well. I'm afraid that I would be turned away from Islam if I meet 'hostility' (which I may perceive it to be). For now, I stay in my home for prayers as well.
When do you leave for Syria? Are you going to Damascus or some other town?
Salam Alaikum
Ramadan Mubarak!
I'll be leaving inshAllah on September 30th.....it's scary how soon it is. We'll be staying in Damascus, but plan on doing sightseeing all around Syria.
Ramadan Mubarak
wow this sad that some converts feel this way. But it is not only that some people may be treating new converts this way, it also happens to people who have been muslim all their lives. Let me give you an example, In the area where I live, we have a large masjid that was originally built by the Pakistanis in the area, as such, some of the people who go there look at you as if you do not belong. When I was a teenager, I use to feel a little uncomfortable going there, but one sister I knew she was the type of person who felt as though, "we are all muslims, and I will not be intimidated in to feeling any less." She kept going to the masjid faithfully, and soon had other non-pakistanis going there as well, she became a very active person at the masjid and most of the pakastani muslims there begin to really value her contribution and effort. I begin to realize too that I should not let some muslims, who may have issues, stop me from being surrounding by those who don't have issues, and can help me or give me support. So when I want to go to the masjid, I go. If I get the cold shoulder from some, that is fine, there are usually others who are more interested in their deen, and not solely engrossed with nationality, and will talk to me and treat me with kindness. Most of the time the people that do that, are not there for the right reasons anyway.
Unfortunateley, just claiming to be a muslim, does not automatically mean you will be perfect. As a muslim you are suppose to obey Allah i.e. follow Islam, not follow the people. Islam is beautiful and it is a way of life, and just because some of us don't live up to the standards, don't let that stop you from benefitting from being around others who are trying to live up to those standards. Instead of letting them be an example, you can be their example. If you keep to yourself all the time, especially when you are new, this can sometimes weaken you, and allow shaytan to continually whisper and try to once again lead you astray.
surah 29:3 Do men imagine that they will be left at ease, because they say we believe? and will not be tested with affliction?
Approach the masjid issue as a test, it may be hard, but we are always at a constant struggle everyday with our nafs. It is easier to say I just will not go. Try to socialize with other muslims at the masjid sometimes, eventually you will find some wonderful sisters who you can find companionship with, as well as be in a setting where there are no other distractions, such as t.v. or other things around the house, that can distract you. Although it is not a sin on a female if she does not go to the masjid for every prayer or jummah, it is good to go when you can. Insha'Allah, I hope wherever Allah places you, you will only continue to grow and expand your knowledge of the deen.
I pray that you and your family have a safe trip, and find in your new place many blessings Insha'Allah.
Assalaamu Alaikum
P.S. keep blogging
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